Another Year has Passed

 It's still the same thing over and over and over and over again. Running wild in my head as if it has no leash, as if it has no master. 

The single damn thing that keeps making me question my worth. Question my sanity. Question everything I've been through. Making me surrender to the thought that it must be nice to have nothing at all, for I don't have to worry about losing anything.

It must be nice to not have a demon inside your mind.

It's Been Six Years

 and apparently I havent changed. Not even a little bit. My mind's still in a constant mess and I'm still irritated at every little fucking thing. I dont make better art. I dont make better friends. I dont make better social circle. I dont have anything better than the me six years ago.

Gosh I'm sorry for disappointing you, me.

i know im such a messed up shit but i didnt think that i could hate myself more

       As I type this out on my laptop, I can see that ugly reflection of a girl with swollen eyes, with a pair of dark eye bags, an ugly frown that clearly convinced myself that things wont get better. It's that emotion where you're so... so... so angry, you couldn't think of any pretty words to say. All you wanted to do is smash that capslock button, type random fucking shit that goes around in your brain because you need to let it out somehow. Crying seems like the right thing to do but you can't let it out because you're angry at yourself it's a desperate feeling where you just want to scold yourself but you know what comes with it. You know what'll happen when you yourself get punished. I am avoiding that. I avoid hurting myself more than what I've done in the past. It's such a precious and important little th-

Sedikit lagi

     Aku bersembunyi dari tengah dunia, tak ingin kehadiran diri ku dikenali, tak ingin diri ku tertunjuk, tak ingin diri ku terlihat oleh tatapan mata mereka yang menilai. Dingin. Beku diri ini dengan setiap pasang mata yang menatap rendah pada tubuh ku yang bergetar. Dengan kasar mereka melucuti warna dari pikiran ku dan kata kata yang ada di ujung lidah ku,

Aku tak punya apa apa.

Dan aku bersembunyi dari tengah dunia. Bersenandung dengan bayangan diri ku pada genangan air mata.

     Tak bisa ku gerakkan tangan ku, ketika jantung masih memompa darah kepadanya. Tak bisa ku ukirkan kata pada kertas putih, apabila bukan darah ku yang menjadi tintanya. Lihat, saksikanlah yang ku perbuat pada darah dan daging yang melekat pada jiwaku sendiri. Harga yang harus kubayar demi menumpahkan isi hati yang lirih. 

Sinner

You look so pretty darling

More than usual, more than you ever was

Your crimson dress suits you best

The smile that was carved onto your skin

The color of your lipstick

The soft touch of you fingertips

I could not let go of you

and your cold lips

I'll tuck you up to sleep at midnight

For it is useless

it is lifeless

Of course it's a corpse that I keep 

in my cradle

If things were to be the opposite

[1]

     I looked up high to the sky and saw nothing. Maybe there're the clouds and the birds and the blue sky. But I feel like I saw nothing. Like it's only a gap with nothing but oxygen and many other chemicals filling it... Like it's only a beautiful painting attached to the ceilings. The sky doesn't look that open. Every time I looked up, I feel like I'm caged down on earth. Because it will never let me go. The sky. It's there to set a boundary and to limit my movement. My room's ceilings, however, is so much better than the sky.

I Don't Care

     I don't care how I look like in your eyes anymore, in your memories, or how my existence actually means something or nothing to you at all. I don't. I won't. I will stop caring on how people perceive me as a jerk by treating you this way, do they know how you treated me? I was fine, by the fact that you ignored me back then, how I was the only one fighting to make the word 'I' and 'You' into an 'Us'. How I was the only one waiting to caught a glimpse of your silhouette by the window. How I was the only one approaching you first. How I was the only one that had to search for a topic to talk to you about, because we're in a different class and I couldn't talk that much to you. How I was the only one searching for a way to cross paths by you. I was fine by the fact that I was the only one fighting

But then I let go of you. And you said that you've always loved me from way back then.

That put a halt on my beating heart. That broke all the beliefs I had in my mind.

     I thought that I was fighting to get your attention. All the sufferings were worth something. But no, what you said broke me. I already got your attention, your love. I shouldn't have to suffered that much, only to get what I already have. But you did nothing, you see, nothing, to stop me from my suffering. You didn't say that you love me when I cried over you, didn't say that you care for me when I thought that I'm all alone, didn't say that you accept me for who I am, when most of them perceived me as a freak.

You were beside me when I was happy

But never when I'm in the downfall

How could you say that the happy me, was me?

How could you say you know me, my family

when none of them, does?

But they were there, my friends. They saw me at my most miserable times. That's when they say they love me. They love me for who I am. Their words, I could believe.

But not yours. Not anymore.

You don't even believe that I loved you. Even after all those. After all the fucking fights. You still can say that nobody ever loved you.

How, tell me, can I believe yours? Who did nothing at all to help me, way back then. You were only there in the happy times. You who broke me. You.

I don't care. No more. I beg you.

Not myself, not you, not the world.