Look at me ranting

          This is a jackpot day isn't it? I already posted two posts then maybe there are even more coming up I don't know. But in this post, it wont be motivational. It wont be something that is happy and bubbly. Instead, it will be me telling people-you-about what's been on my mind.

          It will be quite depressing, I wrote this with all of my heart lol. I don't want you people who actually read this got triggered. Though I would be glad to find someone I could relate. I just.... I don't know. For the last 2 weeks, it has been 0 day clean for me. Have you ever... like, something you need to do turned into something you like to do? It became a routine. I'm addicted. It will totally take a hell lot of help to get me to be normal again.

          I DIDN'T even know my problem. I got a family, though we- as in I, myself- get into a fight with each other a lot, I got friends, I don't know what to say, but I probably have a lot of things that others don't.

          I feel useless, not good enough at everything. Like, what I can is such an obivous thing and everybody else can do it too. It's like I'm not special, just... nothing. I dont matter. Like, they can just replace me with whoever they want.

          Then I realized that, I am the problem. Not my family, not my friends, not my situation, not God, but me.

          I care too much about what people say. Even though it's obvious that they're joking. I absorb it. Like what I said in the previous post, my heart is a sponge. People go and be like, "Hey, just don't listen to them. Just be yourself". But then when you go and do that, they be like, "No, not like that. Gosh, why can't you be more like her/him?"

rolling girl by hatsune miku, if you're wondering.

          There will be people who agree and disagree. You can't please everyone asses. I know that exactly. But I just can't not listen. I can't block the voices.


          info: This is not the original post. It was too painful for me to write about and I... just couldn't do it. the original one is too depressing and private anyway, so whoop.


          I feel useless. It was probably because of this missing figure in my life or maybe it's just because I am useless. But I don't know. I couldn't do things. You might see me at school and say hey you can at least do this better than me. But no, I'm not talking about academical stuff here. I'm talking more about the 'everyday life' stuff. It's more to my family.

         I basically always lock myself in my room. Sometimes I socialize, but I'm bad at it, especially if my sister is around.

         She's perfect ya'know? Pretty, smart, skinny, attractive.... my mom is like, so proud of her. I'll admit yeah, I'm jealous but whatever. When she talks, everybody listen. But most of all, she could help my mother, talk to her like normal, she even can say what she got in her mind. But I can't. It's like, my relation with my mother is more or less out of formality. When she is mad at me, I want to be mad too. I just want to explode and say that she's no better than me. That she got to see it from my perspective too. But, as per usual, I can't.

          I am weak. I truly am. My mind truly hold the best of me and just lash out the bad stuff. It's not what people say, do, or show, it's what I take, My mind is the one that destroy me. I've been told to look at the silver linings, but hell, what if I'm blinded?

          It's pathetic how I motivate a lot of people but I feel so useless inside. Telling them advices but I can't fix my own problem.

          I promised someone that I won't be like this anymore. I must've disappointed you by now. Just wanna say thank you for not giving up on me. School has now become my run-away again. whoop.


         It's my fault to make them hate me, I don't blame anyone if they ignored me. Because I would've done the same. But really. in my heart, I always hope that they would't give up on me. Like, why don't you accept me dammit. This is me.
       

LOOK AT ME BEING ALL DEPRESSED. GOSH. STOP IT ME.

If you were to see the original post, it's more heart breaking.


SORRY FOR THIS. I... well, it wont stay. I'll make it out somehow. Just... for just a little while, I'll curse myself and then I'll fight again.


SO WHOOP WHOOOPP. BE GOOD. LIVE HAPPILY. ENJOY OR WHATEVER. It aint lasting forever. Time's stopping for no one. Look at what faith has in store for you. Just be positive. If you feel sad, talk to people you trust. Or just write your feelings, It help more than you can imagine. A way to blow off the steam, ya know? JUST DO WHAT YOU LOVE


I'll do that after I pick myself up,


SO IMMA REALLY BOUNCE. WELP. BYE. Thanks for reading this nonsense