I just need to hang in there

I don't know which one of me is true, you see. I have so many voices in my brain, all of it is mine. I can't fucking tell the difference. I'm not even trying to be all poetic and shit, I'm hurt. I want to explode. I'm trying to pour this all out so I would feel less burden. So I would feel at least a little bit free. But this is not helping. Something is killing me inside. I want to cry, I want to cry this fucking hurtful feeling out. I want to be me. I don't want to be all psychopathic and shit. I don't want to be out there in the crowd looking all confident and strong. I don't want to be pointed out as a leader. I don't want to be cute and flowery. I don't want to be loud and the center of attention. I don't want to only be the observer from afar. I don't want to be the person people looked up into.  I don't want people to rely on me. I don't want myself to be exposed. I want to be true. I don't want to be loved. I don't want to feel empty. I don't want to feel like this. Like shit. Which one of these wishes are me? All of them are contradicting each other. And I'm damn confused on what I should do from time to time.

I'm not me. This is not me. Please. Stop saying that you love me for who I am.

You don't even know. I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW. Stop acting like you do. It's killing me. Be very grateful if I'm staying away from you, because that means I don't want to break you. I don't want your beliefs of that "me" will be fucked over. I want myself, that you knew, stays that way. Even when "I" only exist in your memory. But if I'm still closer to you than ever, then I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I don't want to lose the place where I pour my tears. I'm so so sorry. When all you consist of are lies, you will understand how it feels.  To hear your voice spoke the words you didn't even want to say. To feel nothing at all, because every one of it are messed up. You don't know which one is true. 

YOU'RE CONFUSED. YOU'RE HURT, BUT ARE YOU? ARE YOU SAD? ARE YOU MAD? HAVE YOU GONE INSANE?

YES

BUT NO

THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM

Stop. Acting. Like. This. Please. I need you to get out of me. I need to be free from your chains. I need to stop. I need to kill myself. I need to gouge my eyes out so that I wont have to fear that tears might come out so suddenly. I just want to scream because of nothing. I fucking hate myself. Oh God, even right now swirl of thoughts are constantly there, drowning me in to the darkness. Is this where I belong? Am I supposed to live like this, for the rest of my life? I'm sick of faking this shit in front of people. But that's the self - defense mechanism. People, and maybe myself, will be fucked if I show them all of this aggressive and destructive mood swings. It's not impossible for me to be a psychopath, after all of the emotional fight I've been through.

I'm sick and tired of lying. Even to myself, the "I" that created "me" with "lies". But it has become a habit. Or maybe a lifestyle? The lies and regrets and sadness and madness and egos are all messed up in my brain. The "me" is just a vessel. Not a person. My task here is not to think, but to contain all the feelings. To bottle it up. I'm sick. I want to die.

and I just need to

hang

in there